Idea for a Female Oasis

I see a need for a medical health and well-being center for women. This place would invite women to receive comprehensive medical care including reproductive health, breast cancer treatment, abortion services, victim recovery, and psychiatric services. It would be a sanctuary for women who are in need. It would be a support group, a rehabilitation center and a refuge. It would provide services to any and all females and their children no matter their economic or citizenship status. It would employ physicians, nurses, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, social workers, lobbyists, lawyers and various other care providers. It would have inpatient and outpatient units for various medical needs. It would have a shelter for the homeless and the victims of domestic or sexual violence. It would provide rehabilitation services for substance-abuse. It would have a team of lawyers, social workers and advocates to help women fight for their rights. It would play heavily in being activists for the gender minority, the racial minority, and the financial minority.

It would be a home for the refugees of privileged terrorism.

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In this moment I am happy.

I started nursing school a week ago.  It’s intimidating because I’m not really sure what to expect yet. I didn’t study/read enough for my first test and scored an 82 which is a C. A ‘C’ for my first test?! It’s probably the easiest test that I will take in the whole program and I’m already sitting at a C average for this class.  I’m not so happy about that, but I know I will do better.  There’s no way I can fail out of this.  I’m too determined, too smart, too stubborn to let it happen.  The supports my program has laid out for us are amazing.  They try their hardest to get everyone through it.  There’s no way I can bomb this if I keep my head up and keep trying.

I replanted some of my plants into new pots and I’m sitting here listening to instrumental, classical versions of songs.  I’m reading studying tips and I’m about to start organizing my supplies to make it easier for me to study and take notes.  In this moment, I feel this is one of those peak moments that make me feel high on life.  I am happy, and that makes me even happier.

Progress

I feel like I’ve begun a journey to finding my truly healthy,stable self. I’ve reached a level of self-discovery/awarness to where I’m questioning my mental health, my emotional habits, and my way of processing the world around me. I have come to the conclusion that I do suffer from depression, anxiety driven by obsessive thinking, and an inability to focus. I also have given a name to my childhood struggles with my mother; she is likely narcissistic and I suffered neglect due to her own mental illnesses. I feel as though I have acknowledged and named my problems and it is now time for me to figure out how to cope with them and how to fix them. I started medicating in January and for the first time in a long while, I feel like I have found a way to think clearly, to stay motivated, and to be unencumbered by the dragging feeling of depression.

I have been diagnosed with cyclic mood disorder and attention-deficit disorder. With the cyclic moods, the up or down swings include OCD tendencies; in that I tend to obsess over cleanliness, organization, and productiveness. I also have found that my obsessive habits also exacerbate my emotional needs stemming from living in childhood neglect and with a narcissistic mother. I over-analyze relationships and find myself needing constant reassurance. I also tend to think negatively of friends’ intentions and actions whether that’s from having narcissistic habits myself or a feeling that I’m inadequate in their eyes.

It’s hard to describe my problems to my friends. I have successfully masked my problems for the most part and they have not been able to see my struggles on a daily basis. When I hit a low point last winter, I reached out and was honest with my state of depression. They were very caring and supportive. Now that I’m stable and happy, it’s hard for them to see I’m still struggling daily. I’ve tried to communicate with my closest friend, Casey about my decisions with therapy and medication. She is very suspicious about medications being useful for me and also questions my psychiatrist’s diagnosis. I feel that she is in disbelief that I actually suffer from those problems to a level of severity that would require medication. Partly she feels some of my issues are of human nature, my issues could be dealt with through therapy or other alternatives, and my issues aren’t indicative of actual disorders. I feel like she is perpetuating the negative view of mental health in the world we live in. As if mental illness can be cured if the suffering individual would just decide to fight it or decide to just quite thinking in whatever distorted way they’re accustomed to. Maybe she is worried for my long-term health, not trusting the effects of taking medications. Maybe she feels that my chosen way of recovering and coping isn’t the best way. Regardless of her intentions, it’s hard to feel supported. I am attempting to refrain from discussing my issues with her because I hate the feeling of being judged or feeling as if what I am saying is untruthful or not as big of a deal as I am making it.

In the past I may have taken Casey’s interpretation of my issues to heart and felt that maybe she isn’t a good friend, or maybe I need to find a person to sympathize with me and meet my need to be understood and supported. Today I acknowledge that although she doesn’t understand my struggle, she is still someone who cares about me a great deal. I understand that my struggle cannot be felt or understood by another person in the exact same way it is felt and understood by me. I don’t need to make her understand, I am okay with letting the differing opinions stand as they are. I know my struggle is my own, I can walk this journey alone and I will be okay. I may meet someone in the future that can see what I see and I will be able to relate to and find support in them, but for now I can count on myself. I can fill my own empty cup for now.

Making changes isn’t easy like it used to be.

My friendship with Sarah has degraded terribly over the past year. Living with her has opened my eyes to a part of her life I probably would have never seen otherwise. She is an alcoholic and suffers from a lot of emotional/insecurity issues. On the outside she portrays herself as a very in control, responsible person but on the inside she’s one of the most immature people I’ve ever met. From events that have unfolded over the past year, I have lost all respect for her and I have no desire to keep our friendship going. I care a great deal about her and I want the best for her, but I don’t want to stick around for it. She has been incredibly selfish, hurtful, and insulting to me to the point where I can’t see any part of her that I enjoy anymore.

Most recently, I stayed in Raleigh for a week and a half and during my stay, I made plans with Sarah’s dad, Howie. I completely adore Howie. Being that I’ve never had a dad, grandpa, or positive family relationship with any male figure, I really value my friendship with Howie. Over the course of mine and Sarah’s friendship, I really bonded with her family and moreso with her dad. She often encouraged me to “adopt” her family as mine, given that I lack a supportive, positive family of my own. She has included me in many family events and really made me feel welcome in that area of her life. When Sarah and I began to have issues, I noticed she began trying to distance me from her family. She mistakenly thought that if she refrained from including me in family activities that my bond with her family would cease to exist. My bond with her family no longer was maintained through Sarah, I had a bond on my own, where I didn’t need Sarah to play messenger between me and them. So back to my recent Raleigh visit. I saw he was online on facebook, and given that I knew he is generally a night owl, I sent him a last minute text to ask if he was free for lunch the following day as a friend and I would be in his hometown. I hadn’t seen him in months and the last visit to Wilmington he made, I was working and unable to really spend any time with him. He agreed and we met for lunch the next day. As I arrived to the restaurant, Sarah sends me a text conveying her disapproval of me making plans with her family without notifying her first. I responded caringly, since she communicated her feelings without being rude. After I explained how plans were made last minute and therefore it wasn’t convenient to mention it to her, she commented that she thought it was weird that I sent him a text late at night. Later on, when I returned home from my Raleigh trip and Sarah and I went out with some friends, she brought the subject up again and said that she spent an hour convincing her mom that I wasn’t pursuing Howie out of attraction. Are you fucking kidding me? One, I’m positive her mom never had an issue and probably doesn’t even know how the lunch plans were made. Two, the fact that Sarah eluded to the fact that it was “weird” timing, is incredibly insulting. Three, the fact that she’s using her jealousy as an opportunity to somehow put me down is even more insulting.

I’m just done with her. She’s way too fucked up in the head to even try to be a friend to her. For my own mental health, I just can’t be a part of her life anymore.

Define friend.

In my life I’ve always enjoyed all types of people from different walks of life. I’ve never belonged to any one group; I’ve always found friends by looking at the individual and not what or who they’re surrounded by. Some qualities in my friends that I appreciate are: being a deep thinker, enjoying the outdoors on a spiritual level, sarcastic/perverse humor, open-minded, open-hearted, mischievous, creative, brutally honest, strong-willed, humble.. I guess the list could go on. Overall, I choose my friends because I can identify with certain parts of them, if not all, I respect what they have to say, and I want to learn more from them. I choose my friends because they make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me proud, and they make me feel alive. I choose friends because they make me a better person.

If a friend loses sight of what is important and thus loses qualities that I once found so attractive in them, where does that leave our friendship? If a friend changes into someone that hurts me and hurts others around them, what am I suppose to do? Do I stick by them through the storm and hope for sunnier days? Do I put a time limit on the storm? Am I a poor friend for stepping away when they possibly need me the most? Or is it that this person has just changed into someone I can no longer respect and it’s time to accept them for who they are now, in this moment?

How do you define friend and the boundaries of the relationship that comes with it?

It’s getting so dark in here.

Its amazing how the darkness can sneak up on you when you least expect it. I thought I had rid my life of darkness.. the darkness that consumed me when I was in high school. I remember how I felt back in high school. I felt trapped, miserable and that I had so much to give when there was no one around that wanted to receive. I felt that I had so much pain on the inside and I couldn’t share my burdens. It came crashing down on me and engulfed me. I spent my nights with my mind racing and when I could get some rest, I would wake up in utter panic from nightmares that gripped my insides. I spent my days feeling so much pain and at the same time feeling like a zombie, void of anything lively. My release was music and razor blades. I remember how tracing lines on my wrists made me feel like the pain that was busting at the seams could finally escape. The sting of the blade directed the pain that was throbbing in my chest and throat out of my arms and sent it dripping to the floor. I craved the release.. I craved to make my pain physical. I wanted to see the pain that was inside of me.

I’m not sure how or when the darkness crept back up. I’ve dealt with my share of disappointment and I feel that along the way I have learned how to properly deal with pain. When I started losing the people around me in different ways, I knew that I could handle it. I felt I was strong enough and this was just another part of my life that I would have to trudge through. But then suddenly I’m in the shower crying and staring at my wrists wishing I could release the pain. The next night I’m waking up at 2am muffling a scream from a dream that felt so real. How did I get here?

You’ve Got Mail

You’ve Got Mail starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks is such a great movie.

I’ve seen this movie countless times and it’s just as good as my first time. I love Meg Ryan regardless what movie she’s in. Her little antics/mannerisms are so cute and funny. If I wanted to be like anyone, it would be like her characters in her movies.

This movie also makes me remember how I’d like to meet someone that I really connect with. It’s been so terribly long since I’ve had that sensation of things “clicking” into place. I realized that I’ve stopped thinking it’s possible. My view of falling in love has become bleak. I call it being realistic but I am thinking its more pessimistic. One thing I swore I would start working on is opening myself up more. I feel like I have become so uptight and close minded to the world. I judge people the moment I meet them without thinking twice about it. I am so set in my ways in thinking that everything has to be done my way and dismissive to others who think differently. That’s just not the way I should be.

You’ve Got Mail is such a good movie.

Damn right I support it

Macklemore, Queen Latifah and Madonna did a phenomenal job on their 2014 Grammy performance.

It inspires to be someone better than I am today. I opened my eyes to how important it is to embrace others regardless of their life choices. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in my own life and live in a small bubble. This performance made my heart swell and shed tears of pride. I want so much for this type of outreach to go viral and sweep the world. There is so much hate and fear.. I have dealt with my fair share of discrimination but it is no comparison to what a lot of people face on a daily basis. I wish I could hold the ones who are hurt and shield them from the hate that society throws at them. I’m brave enough to take it, strong enough to endure it. It makes me so angry to observe the stupidity and selfishness around me. I want to strangle those who toss their words out carelessly without realizing the hatefulness they are spreading through life. I hope I can play my part and make some sort of difference in my small bubble.

Joining the Blog Bus

I figured for one of my new years resolutions I would begin blogging. There’s a lot of things in my life that go undocumented or shared and I would rather not let that keep happening. I have no idea if this blog will take a specific direction, but I would like to see what happens. I’ll start by making posts about anything and everything – new recipes, adventures, plans, and personal endeavors. Let’s hope I find what I’m looking for!